To Be A Compass

Somewhere along the line in my relationship with my ex, something went terribly wrong. It started out small, and it just got bigger. The fighting was passionate in the beginning. But then everything was passionate in the beginning. Yet in the most basic sense, John was a truly good man. He wanted me to be happy. He was kind, he was giving, he was thoughtful.

When I got pregnant, things changed. What I can see as I look back now, was that we both changed, but me more than him. I quit standing my ground. I tried to be nice. I didn’t focus on what I really needed during that difficult time. I let it become about him–while I was the one who was pregnant.

It was like a house of cards or a line of dominoes. Once I made that first fatal error, it all started to fall down as the years went by. I was missing something, and I knew it. John still wanted to please me, and sometimes I let him. But mostly I focused on pleasing John. How to make him happy again, so he would care about my needs again.

I sort of had it right. I knew for sure that I couldn’t just give in all the time… that it wasn’t right to pretend I was attracted when I just no longer was. Sadly, I knew a whole ton of wrong things, though. And I tried every single one of them–repeatedly. Whether they worked or not.

Then it was over. And it ended ugly. I was hurting and hating him because it was easier to hate him than feel the anguish I’ve felt over losing him.

But I know what I want. I want love. I want a marriage and a lifelong commitment. I want to be in love and I want someone to be in love with me. I know that much for sure. So I started doing some meditations about attracting your ideal mate. I made changes in myself; and I decided that I wasn’t going to be the people-pleaser John-pleaser I had been. I got my hair cut and I colored it. Change. I started keeping the house the way I want it without regard for punishing him for not picking up after himself. Change.

Then as I continued my meditations, I stumbled across an ad on a page.  An interesting thing to note is that I don’t click ads. I just don’t. I end up spending money, and I rarely feel like I get what I needed or wanted from that product. I don’t do disappointment well, kind of like sadness. But I clicked it, and it took me here: http://www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/?s=56629&sbid=cpbzw&cuid=djmr&cids=3WSZZZ, (I am not affiliated in any way)

Immediately, I could just sense that, at least for me, this felt RIGHT. It was like kizmet. I was definitely not living my feminine energy, but I didn’t know it. It was like a key fitting into a lock–I understood immediately that THIS was what I was doing wrong all along.

Men are designed to please through doing. Women are designed to please through accepting. This is evident in our very bodies. We accept a man into our body… into our lives… into our circle of life. And that’s where I went wrong. When I started trying to please, instead of accepting pleasure… I went horribly wrong.

Now, I don’t justify anything he did. Some of those things were just downright MEAN. But so was I sometimes. Neither makes the other right, but it becomes easier to realize that I contributed to what happened, and that he didn’t WANT to be mean… we were just both completely lost and confused.

I’ve forgiven him. Just like that. And I’ve understood in the last few days that men have a focus. They have a True North in a relationship… and if I want to be happy with my man, I’m not supposed to please him. I’m supposed to be his compass. His True North is my happiness. What a profound, amazing concept.

Looking back, I know this was true for John, beyond the shadow of all doubt. He wanted me to be happy. He wanted to please me. When I started trying to please him, instead, he lost sight of True North. And I couldn’t make him happy because I was not happy. I thought that my happiness hinged upon him being happy first.

I had it all backwards. I needed to tell him, in a real, raw way, how I felt so he could tell how far away–or how close–he was to his True North. Without the guidance of my emotions, he was lost and adrift… then we both started screwing up.

The program is hard and it’s scary. It’s stripping myself of defenses I spent 42 years building. It’s asking a person with autism to look someone in the eye without faltering. It’s huge and it’s terrifying to be so stripped bare to my naked soul in front of a man who has such power to hurt me; and doesn’t even know it because I hid it so well.

Wherever I go from here, I know it’ll be marriage. And this time, I’m committed to being the compass. Men want to please. I’ve seen it so many times. It truly IS their nature to please. But they have to be guided. Not through being told WHAT to do… but through being told how what they are doing is working–or not working. The doing is their job… the pointing to True North is my job. The feminine is receptive of the action, and maybe sometimes it won’t feel nice. Sometimes it’s scary and sometimes it’s painful and sometimes it’s angering.

It’s hard for them, too. They want to hear “I’m happy” every time, but sometimes it’s “I feel sad”, instead. Or maybe it’s “I feel angry”.

By not being honest about how I felt, I broke his compass. Its needle was wobbling all over the place, and he had no guidance system anymore.

I didn’t know any better. I was trying. So was he. A critical element was missing, and neither of us knew what it was or how to get it back. Now I know, and I know now that I’ll have what I want. I’ll be married someday and I’ll be my husband’s most precious treasure: his compass.

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I’ve Been Bewitched!

A-Wolfs-Song-Banner-AUTHORS-FB
In honor of the upcoming release of A Gargoyle’s Might, I am running a tour through Bewitching Blog Tours, owned by the wonderful Roxanne Rhoads!
The schedule includes some fun guest blog posts, a giveaway (of A Wolf’s Song), and an interview or two. Please join me at:
December 9 Spotlight
Night Owl Reviews
http://www.nightowlreviews.com/v5/Blog/Articles/A-Wolfs-Song-by-Shannon-Phoenix
December 10 Interview
Pembroke Sinclair.
pembrokesinclair.blogspot.com
December 11 Spotlight
Literal Hotties Naughty Book Reviews
http://literalhottiesnaughtybookreviews.blogspot.com/
December 12 Spotlight
AC James
www.acjames.com
December 12 Spotlight and review
Penny For Them…
http://pennyforthemuk.com/search/label/tour
December 13 Guest Post
Mythical Books
http://mythicalbooks.blogspot.ro/
Guest Post – The Soul-mate myth
December 16 Interview and review
The Book Review-
http://www.cluereview.blogspot.com
December 16 Guest blog
Ebook Escapes
http://ebookescapes.com

Pulling Out of Procrastination Station

So this is what happens when life goes to hell in a handbasket and things run amok… you must at some point stop procrastinating and get off your arse and in the words of that there one comedian whose name I don’t remember… “Git ‘er done!”

Last month was Nano-wrimo. And between blog posts and my fanfictions and everything else, I did manage my 50,000 words. In fact, please feel free to pat me on the back, because I managed to go over by 1 whole word! Oh yeah. I am THAT awesome.

I also, strangely, managed to get my house back somewhere near the condition that I prefer to live in. The sad truth is that I really like a clean home, and I allowed my resentment towards my ex to get in the way of what makes me truly happy. A tidy, well-organized home is a blessing. Organization and creating systems that facilitate that is my gift–and I’m good at it. I was very unhappy, and my ‘home’ showed it.

Now it’s time to get my writing organized. I’m consolidating the Supernaturals XMind files, straightening them out, redoing them as necessary… all that jazz. I’m doing my first re-write of A Gargoyle’s Might and updating all of the lore that came with it. It’s quite a book, I must say… and it brought in loads of new lore. You’re going to love it if you like Fantasy elements with your Paranormal.

So anyway, I feel so much more like myself as I pull out of Procrastination Station, headed for “Git ‘er done”ville. I have left the guilt behind and I no longer feel obligated to put first someone for whom I wasn’t even on the priority list. I’m steering my own life again, and I’ve chosen the track I want to be on.

Chugga-chugga-choo-choo! All aboard!

A Gargoyle’s Might

So I finally put the last word of A Gargoyle’s Might into OpenOffice and hit Save.

Lincoln and Ivory’s tale is told in its rough form and is ready for all that must come after it. Strangely, this has been a very wild ride. Ivory changes so much over the course of the book… and yet she doesn’t. It isn’t until the end that you understand her.

This was a challenge to write because I resisted it every step of the way. I wanted Ivory to be a sympathetic character. I wanted to like her. I hated what she did to Lincoln. I thought Lincoln was being a big fainting daisy. I tried to change them and they fought back. They stood up for who they really are and challenged everything I thought about how they should be–and  a lot of what I think I should be.

They taught me lessons that I didn’t want to learn, and they showed me truths about myself that I thought I would hate once I saw them without their masks. Like Ivory, I learned that not everything is as it seems… even the things inside me. Like Lincoln, I learned that devotion can be a strength, and I learned that while sometimes it results in pain, it can lead to renewal, as well.

Romance novels aren’t thought to be great literature by most, but Lincoln and Ivory’s book, long and intense as it is, shows me that at least in my mind, it can be.

It won’t be long now. It’s coming. And it’s coming with lessons and with intense drama that is unlike A Wolf’s Song in almost every way. But then I think that’s how it’s supposed to be. Everyone’s story is different. Ivory and Lincoln both show sides of themselves that leave them vulnerable to dislike. They shed their outer garments of attempted perfection and they get down and dirty and honest about themselves and their confusion and their hurt and their hope.

The book is very raw, and their feelings are very raw. They are put through hell, chased and tormented by everyone who ever claimed to love them. They find new allies in unexpected places and they find old allies in places they hadn’t appreciated as much as was deserved.

They must find themselves, and each other–and despite the high word count, they had little time in which to do it.

Ivory teaches us that being honest and being vulnerable may make you more powerful than you could ever dream.

 

A Gargoyle's Might

A Gargoyle’s Might

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